Finalization

Well I hope you all really enjoyed the great epic poem of Achilleus.  Me? I thought it was rather boring and tiring and just long but it has to be told to the world.  I did enjoy my little appearances here and there throughout the story but I was saddened by the fact that the Trojans were defeated by the Achaians.  Oh well, there are always other stories and battles to be fought and hopefully the Trojans will win! 
Now I do really like to talk and talk but I feel that I have most definitly posted enough of this long story that it will be alright to just stop here and let it all go.  That reminds me, when you're like on the web you can find some of the most ridiculous things! But do be careful of what you search for because sometimes things pop up that you would rather not see.
Well, the Greeks won, the Trojans lost, and Achilleus and Priam mourned together and though it ended rather abruptly, it was a good poem. 

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/58/Triumph_of_Achilles_in_Corfu_Achilleion.jpg

Books 22-24

Well during today’s drama Hector stood outside the Trojan gates like a baby refusing to come in. After Achilles gets done chasing Apollo around the field Hector stands up to him, he tries to bargain with him, but then gets scared and he runs off. Hector laps the city three times with Achilles chasing him like the rabbit at the dog track. Zeus was apparently thinking about saving Hector…again, but Athena said that the kid’s time has come, and after messing around with his fate scales he agrees. Athena disguises herself and cons Hector into turning and fighting, which the idiot does. There are a few missed punches Hector turns around realizes that his comrade has disappeared and the gods have messed with him again. In the craziest thing I have ever seen he charges Achilles, who knows the weak spot in the armor and shoves a spear right through him. In his last moments Hector begs Achilles to send his body back to the Trojans, but Achilles leaves the body to the dogs and birds…classy. So the Achaeans stab the body and drag it behind some horses and do generally horrible things to it while his mom and wife watch from the castle and breakdown. Who would blame them?

Achilles has a really weird way of mourning Patroclus, I mean like he as finally started eating food but the dude hasn’t bathed in days. You can smell him all the way to Mount Olympus! Patroclus’s soul makes an appearance and let Achilles know that he needs his funeral soon so he can go to the underworld. So of course the next day they have the biggest funeral this side of the river Styx! Complete with the sacrificing of 12 Trojan prisoners, then they light all of it on fire. After the funeral Achilles decides to hold a bunch of sports and games to honor the fallen hero, the usual wrestling, archery, chariot racing, and of course there are many fabulous prizes. Diomedes cheats and wins the chariot race with the help from Athena, and Achilles considers taking away the 2^nd place winners prize and give it to the guy who lost because he was cheated out of his win. I will never understand this sports nonsense. After they all start fighting and yelling at each other about who cheated and who should get the big gold stick the all eventually make up.

And the mourning continues. Apparently Achilles is still super upset and the only thing that makes him feel better is violating and stepping on Hector’s dead body, that is just gross. Apollo has decided to protect Hector’s body from getting rotten and gooey which makes the whole situation way weirder. Finally after almost two weeks of this disturbing display Apollo convinces Zeus that Achilles needs to ransom Hector’s body before he starts doing even weirder stuff to it. So Zeus sends Thetis to talk to Achilles and sends Iris to Priam to tell him how to make the deal. Hecuba is terrified that Achilles is gonna kill her husband too so Zeus sends an eagle…what is with the birds people!? Priam sets out in a chariot full to busting with money and treasure and is guided to Achilles tent by Hermes, who sticks around long enough to say hi and then leaves. Priam totally begs on hands and knees for Achilles go give him Hector’s body. Achilles gets all nostalgic about his own dad and decides to take the gold and give up Hector’s body. It gets late so Priam decides to sleep in Achilles tent, but in the middle of the night Hermes pops back in to let him know he is a moron and shouldn’t be sleeping with the enemy. So Priam wakes his driver and they grab the body and sneak out of camp. Every woman in Troy wails with grief when Hector’s body comes home. After dragging out the funeral prep for nine days the Trojans finally put Hector on the pyre and light it up. I’m hoping this is like all over soon cause I really need my beauty sleep and this war was just dragging on and on...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/58/Triumph_of_Achilles_in_Corfu_Achilleion.jpg

Books 19-21

So Thetis came down with the new armor for Achilles new tin suit today! Totally fabulous! Then she said she would hang out with Patroclus’s body and make sure it didn’t get all nasty and slimy while the boys go into battle. Agamemnon and Achilles make up and decide to go into battle together. Achilles is totally ready for this fight right now but Odysseus talks him into letting everyone have breakfast first. Achilles decides that the men can eat but he won’t until he’s killed Hector. So while everyone is sulking and trying to eat Zeus takes pity on the whole scene and sends Hera to magically feed Achilles some ambrosia so he’s not starving. Achilles then straps on the armor and hops in his chariot, he honestly yells at his horses for leaving Patroclus to die, I’m convinced he’s lost his mind. The thing is he knows he’s riding to his death but he still goes…totally nuts!

Zeus had a big pow wow today on Mount Olympus. He totes thinks that if Achilles storms the battle field that he can slaughter the Trojans and probably crush the city before fate says it should fall. So because of all this, and because Zeus likes his prophecies, she decides to let the gods intervene all over the place and every one of them flies from Mount Olympus and camps out on earth. Once they get there they decide they don’t want to get their hands dirty and just take seats on opposite sides to watch the bloodiest version of the Super Bowl ever. Apollo gives Aeneas a pep talk and cons him into challenging Achilles. The two meet on the field and start sniping at each other like teen age girls, just as Achilles is about to stab him Poseidon bum rushes the field and transports Aeneas somewhere safe. Lame! Hector then runs to the front line, but Apollo convinces him to hang back with the other boys and wait for Achilles, there is a lot of convincing going on around here, and the gods said they were only gonna watch. Although when Hector sees how Achilles is slaughtering the Trojans he loses it and attacks causing Apollo to save him yet again.

Achilles decided to divide and conquer today, chased half the Trojans to the river and started swinging. He totally slaughters Lycaon, and then kills Asteropaeus too when he makes a stand. Achilles has no plans for letting any Trojan live today. He murders so many of them that you could walk across the river on the bodies, this really ticks off the river god. He asks Achilles to quit throwing bodies in the river but to keep on killing ‘em, cuse hey that’s ok. Now the river, not to be confused with the river god, is on the Trojans side and yells for Apollo to help, this ticks of Achilles who then tries to kill the river. Honestly what is this guy on?! The river rises up and tries to drown Achilles and sends him waaaaay down the river, the gods save him though so it’s all good. Hera sends Hephaestus down to punish the river and he sets it on fire until it cries uncle.  Now a spat breaks out between all the gods, they argue over who is better and who should win. Athena beats down Ares and me which is like so rude, Poseidon challenges Apollo who absolutely refuses to get involved. Artemis calls Apollo some nasty names so Hera pulls her hair and smacks her around. While all this rumpus is going on Priam opens the gets of Troy so the fleeing troops can run in, but Achilles runs after them and almost takes the whole city. Agenor challenges Achilles to a fight man to man. Achilles of course says yes and the fight starts even though it’s not Agenor, but Apollo in disguise and this stall gives the Trojans time to scurry into the city like rats. Honestly will this war ever end?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/95/Angelo_monticelli_shield-of-achilles.jpg

Books 16-18

So Patroclus got all whiney with Achilles again today. Apparently Achilles finally had enough and decided to swap armor with Patroclus and let him take the Myrmidon boys out to fight since he decided to stay out of the fight and lounge in his tent. Achilles even prayed to Zeus to make sure Patroclus comes back to camp safe and sound with the ships, but of course with Zeus’ twisted sense of humor he said that only one of those things will happen. After Patroclus runs onto the battlefield the Trojans start to back off from the ships because obviously they think its Achilles. A bunch of the Trojans get trapped in the trenches and the slaughter begins. Zeus wants to save his kid Sarpedon but Hera told him he can’t  because that would just tick the other gods off. Zeus lets the kid die and watches as all the boys fight over his armor, poor kid. Hector even comes back for a hot minute to try to get the armor. So now Zeus is pissed because Sarpedon bit the dust so he decides to wreak a little vengeance on Patroclus. First he trick Hector into thinking he’s scared so he will retreat. Next Patroclus, bull headed boy he is, chases after them even though Achilles told him not to, and chases him all the way to the gates of Troy. But low and behold Apollo swoops in again and saves the day pushing him back from the gate. Apollo then gets Hector to charge Patroclus and poor dudes chariot driver ends up getting killed. Then everyone starts to fight over his armor. While all this is going on Apollo gets all snakey and sneaks behind Patroclus and stabs him so that it’s easier for Hector to finish him off. While he’s dying Patroclus predicts Hector’s death. Spooooooky….

Apparently the boys decided to spend the day fighting over Patroclus body and his stuff. Talk about no respect for the dead. Eventually Big Aias kicks some butt and makes sure that no one does nasty things to the body, however the armor is already gone and Hector is putting it on. To make it worse they all start discussing trading Patroclus’ body for Sarpedon’s and then Hector offers an obscene amount of prizes and money for anyone who drags Patroclus’s body away.  Zeus developed a soft spot for Hector because he knows the dude is gonna bite the dust and sneaks him some great power for a little bit. Aias and Menelaus rally their boys and chase the Trojans back to the wall just in time for Aeneas to rally his boys and run back to the fight. There were a lot of chariots running with Zeus powered horses, spear throwing and more armor stripping, honestly boys just buy your own armor. Athena swoops down dressed like a Phoenix and props up Menelaus while Apollo helps back up Hector. Menelaus sends for Achilles, who has no clue that Patroclus is dead. Zeus starts pushing people around so the Trojan’s can have their win but holds off long enough so the Meriones can take away Patroclus’s body.

Poor Achilles, he finally found out that Patroclus is dead. Totally lost his mind, honestly the threw himself around, screamed, and covered himself with dirt kind of lost his mind. It was so bad that his mom Thetis and her nymph sisters came out of the ocean to find out what the heck was going on. He rants and raves to his mom for a while about avenging Patroclus death, and during all this Thetis promises that she will get Hephaestus to make him new armor as long as he holds off on the vengeance for one day. After Thetis leaves Hera sends Iris to tell Achilles he needs to make an appearance on the battle field, I smell a rat. Apparently she thinks this will put the fear of god, or gods, in the Trojans and stop the fight over Patroclus’s body. So of course Achilles leaves the tent, screams his head off, and the Trojans run off like scared little girls. That night there is a lot of strategizing for the next day’s attack. The Trojans and Hector decide to repeat the day before’s plan of attack because they are idiots. The Achaean’s have a wake and start preparing Patroclus’s body for the funeral but they promise not to bury him until Achilles has killed Hector.

http://tonalli8.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/fight-over-patroclus-body.jpg

 

Books 13-15

So Zeus is totally stoked at the way his little war among the mortals is going. Personally I think it’s a huge bore…YAWN. Apparently after the big Z took off today, Poseidon went and visited the Aiases, both of them! Talk about plotting against your fam when their back is turned. I know they aren’t huge fans of each other but seriously! I mean they are brothers. Anyway, Poseidon gives a big ego boost to the boys so they can get psyched about going against the Trojans, actually he lights a fire under all the Achaeans butts. The Aias boys actually got so pumped up the sent Hector running for the hills! The real bummer is that Hector got so miffed about being a wuss that he chucked his lance thingie at someone or other, the target dude dodges, and the lance thingie actually nails and kills Poseidon’s grandspawn Amphimachus. Obviously this ticks of uncle P to no end and he works his magic and gives some totally bad ass super powers to Idomeneus and a bunch of them start raging after the Trojans. Honestly cold this battle nonsense get any more tiring?! For some reason Idomeneus decides to put a hit on Deiphobus and calls him out for a one on one, there’s a ton more fighting, Deiphobus gets hurt and a bunch of the Trojans take a trip to the underworld…definitely not how they wanted to end their day. Hector keeps on raging against the other guys but the rest of the Trojans are start to get sick of this…kinda like I am. What happened to the love, seriously. Any way most of the Trojan boys scamper back to their forts because they are tired. Just when I think they are done for the day some jerk named Polydamas gets Hector to rally his troops and start again…sheesh. Hector runs and grabs Paris, I’ve got that boy wrapped around my little finger let me tell you, and then finds out that everyone is wounded or dead. Maybe if you boys would stop your war games we wouldn’t have this problem. Any way dudes start calling each other names and Big Aias sees an eagle appear to him and takes it as some great omen…dude sometimes a bird is just a bird. I will never understand humans.

Yet another day of war and little boys playing with sharp sticks. Only difference is that Hera, that evil, vindictive, (explicative deleted) decided to get her sneaky little fingers involved. Let me tell you how it all went down. Nestor and the Achaean commandos are finally realizing the massive damage done to their little army. Agamemnon suggest they throw in the towel and head home, smart idea to me, and the rest of the testosterone ridden boys gang up on him and call him a scardy cat. Odysseus and Diomedes get everyone together and Poseidon gives some more magical strength to the army. While all this is happening Hera starts her scheming. She found out Zeus was hanging out on Mount Ida the alone time thing he does. First that tramp cons me out of my magical love inducing bra, and then she cons Sleep to turn Zeus narcoleptic by saying she will give him one of her daughters. I didn’t think selling offspring into marriage was legal anymore. Ewww. Any way Zeus sees her in the magic panties, gets all hot and bothered, Sleep pretends to be a bird and knocks him out. Low and behold nothing to manage the Trojans anymore. She lets Poseidon know what she did so that he can help out his boys the Achaeans. There is some drama with Big Aias throwing a huge rock at Hector and that knocks him out. Let me end this here for you…Achaeans win, Trojans loose and run home to mommy.

Guess who finally woke up from his magic underwear coma? Zeus is pissed at Hera, and get this she actually tried to throw Poseidon under the bus for the whole thing! Any way Zeus let her know in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t care who wins, he’s just helping ‘cuse he gets a kick out of it. Apparently it’s totes fated that Troy is gonna fall and Hector is gonna die, talk about spoilers. Any way he made Hera send Iris to kick Poseidon off the battlefield and then sends Apollo to Hector and his boys to give them some motivation and strength. I’m thinking it was more than just a few bottles of Gatoraid. Hector then goes full on Hulk and charges the Achaeans, who fight super hard at first but then run away like mice when Apollo joins the fight. Apollo helps the Trojans beat down the ramparts, is that cheating? So the fighting gets really bad and Big Aias and Hector go at it like cats again. Teucher is about to shish-ka-bob Hector with an arrow when Zeus decides to snap his bowstring, because Hector isn’t supposed to die yet apparently. I will never understand why we meddle with them, I say just let them fight each other and watch it from the safety of Mount Olympus.

http://webpage.pace.edu/nreagin/F2005WS267/AmyChing/Q-Zeus-Hera-Painting.jpg

Books 10-12

Soooo this war is totally stupid and long and silly, but I have to share it with you because it is a great epic and everyone should know it.  Where we left off:
The Achaeans decided that they had to invade the Trojan’s camp and they chose Diomedes and Odysseus to spy for them.  Both warriors put on their armor and set off but the Trojans also decided to totally spy on the Greeks, but they only sent one dude called  Dolon.  Dolon sadly ran into Diomedes and Odysseus and he is so scared and begs for his life and totally tells the Greeks what the Trojans had planned.  Diomedes then just kills Dolon, taking all his clothes and armor and  then just left his naked body so they could go back to their spying.

When they reached the Trojans, they killed twelve men before seriously stealing Rhesus’ chariot and racing it back to their camp.  If I had been there, I would have slapped those men, and like told them that they are cheating and should be punished for what they had done.  But honestly, I wasn’t there and the men were, of course, cheerfully greeted when they got back to camp.
 

The next day, Zeus rained blood on the Greeks which is soooo gross, but this showed his disapproval for what had happened during the night.  This just seems to like encourage the Achaeans to fight harder, which totally gave them the upper hand by lunch.  Agamemnon is a total killing machine by this time and the Trojans just know he had to be stopped.  A lot of Trojans try to kill Agamemnon; Iphidamas and Koon each died in their attempts.  This really made Hektor upset and he started to kill more and more Greeks, which is only fighting fire with fire, but that is the way these silly men see the world. 

Alexandros finally hurt Diomedes by shooting him in the foot with an arrow but Diomedes  just laughed and said  he was invincible but then he decided to leave the battle.  The Trojans once again are happily ahead until the Greeks just pushed forward.  During this, Machaon is injured by Paris, who finally shows up again, and is also carried off the field.  When Achilles saw this, he tried to find out what happened and Patroklos also saw Machaon injured, but before he can tell Achilles what had happened, he is forced to put on Achilles’ armor by oldie Nestor.  Nestor did this because the Greeks needed someone to lead the dudes to battle and basically scare the Trojans away.  Both sides continued to fight and fight and fight, but because the Greeks were so well hidden by their huge wall and trenches, so the Trojans decided to just leave their chariots and fight the Greek dudes face to face.  An eagle then flew over the battle and dropped a snake onto the Trojans' side of the battle.  This totally scared Polydamas and he really wanted to retreat, but Hektor was just like "no" and totally continued to fight.  Finally Hektor broke through one of the gates in the big wall and all of the Trojans charged into the Achaeans’ camp.  This totally like scared them and they retreated like a bunch of chickens to their ships.   

http://sofasofyy.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/zeus-greek-mythology-687267_1024_768.jpg?w=300&h=225

Books 7-9

This is the part of the story where the battle is in total chaos when Hektor and Paris finally returned. Hektor totally went up to the Achaean war line and challenged anyone who will fight him.  Menelaus comes forward but is stopped by Agamemnon, who tells him that he is mad to want to fight, which is kinda rude in my opinion.  Then the old man Nestor, who had considered fighting Hektor but decided against it cause he had totally done his share in fighting in war a long time ago, called nine of his "bravest" men to fight.  Nestor then took all the dudes' names, dumped their names in a helmet, and took out the name Aias, who was a son of King Telamon. 

Hektor and Aias threw pointy spears at each other, but were immediately stopped by the heralds of Zeus because it was totally dark cause it was night and the men had fought enough for the day and deserved to sleep and eat.  So Hektor and Aias agreed on continuing the fight the next day, and they were so nice because they gave each other gifts as a sign of total agreement.  Hector gave Aias a sword with its holder thing and belt, and Aias gave Hektor a war belt so I think it was a fair trade. 

After everyone went back to their tents or whatever, Nestor told the Achaeans to build a wall for protection from the Trojans and to take the next day to bury their dead cause those bodies were just rotting out there and who wants to deal with walking over heads and legs while trying to fight? Plus I guess they wanted to honor their comrades who helped in the war. When it was finally light out, Idaios went to the Acheans to request the day to bury their dead, promising that Paris would return all of his stolen stuff EXCEPT for the Helen.  This promise was shut down by Diomedes  who said that the Achaeans would not take this pitiful promise, and the men separated and went back to their camps.  Each group gathered their dead, pilled them all up high and then burned their bodies because no one could tell who was who amongst the blood and guts. 

After the Acheans’ wall was finished, the men made sacrifices to the gods and had their supper and la-de-dah.  The big Z looked down on the men, knowing that their wall would be destroyed once the Trojans invade the city, which whoo! go Trojans!

The next day after the stench of burned skin was gone, Zeus spoke to the other gods and told them to not help with the war.  This is because the big Z knew that the Trojans would win that day, but Hera of course joins in the war by convincing Agamemnon to cheer on his warriors and to pray to Zeus for like a chance to basically beat the Trojans.  Zeus agreed and then sent a bird into the battle, which is clearly a sign that the Greeks will not perish that day.  One of the Greeks, another minor dude named Teukros, killed so many Trojans with his bow and arrows that day, but no matter how hard he tried he could just not hit Hektor.  Hektor totally saw that and he hit Teukros, hurting him pretty badly.  Thankfully, the Trojans are once again defeating the Greeks and this is when the gods decided to interfere with the war even though the big Z told them not to.  Hera and Athene decided to drive a chariot into the battle but are stopped when Zeus threatened to hit their chariot with a thunderbolt which is Zeus clearly showing his power over the two goddesses, and like all of us so all the gods returned to Olympus. 

At last the two groups decided to call it quits for the night and go to bed. Hektor decided that the Trojans should camp outside of the Achaeans’ camp so that when they wake up the next morning they would be ready for war.  On the Achaean side, Agamemnon begded the Greeks to just give up and basically just go home.  Nestor, who was a totally wise dude, suggested that Agamemnon simply give back to Achilles what was they wanted.  Agamemnon then goes on for what seems like an eternity, listing off everything he would give to Achilles including Briseis.  The Greeks decided to send Odysseus, Phoinix, and Aias to talk to Achilles about this new plan.  When they finally got to Achilles, he was playing a small guitar thing and singing stories of past great warriors.  The men each went up to him and told him what Agamemnon had offered so that he would just come back and help them fight.  Each man was shut down by Achilles, even the adorable Phoinix who told Achilles the story of this dude Meleagros who was a warrior who refused to fight.  Achilles told them that he was still hurt by Agamemnon and would still not help the Greeks until they are basically defeated.  The men gave up and returned to their camp, totally bummed and sad.  Diomedes gathered the army, and promised they will still fight and win even without the awesome Achilles.   

http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/images/exhibitions/month/cn238/Greek_wall2.jpg